A Message from our Covenanted Partner in Ministry, Rev. Gretchen Martin

How to Serve Those Who are Caregivers

This month we are going to switch gears a bit and explore the emotions that caregivers have and how we, as a congregation and members of a faith community, can help serve those who are caregivers. “A caregiver—sometimes called an informal caregiver—is an unpaid individual (for example, a spouse, partner, family member, friend, or neighbor) involved in assisting others with activities of daily living and/or medical tasks.”[1] The numbers vary, but most studies show that 35-45 million Americans are currently unpaid caregivers. Most of these caregivers are over the age of 60 and are female. These unpaid caregivers are helping care for someone in addition to having a full-time job, other civic and religious responsibilities, and/or caring for children. Tasks of a caregiver can include shopping, food preparation, housekeeping, laundry, transportation, giving medication, feeding, dressing, grooming, bathing, assistance in toileting, transfers in and out of bed, researching care services, coordinating physician visits and managing financial matters.

With the normal business of life on top of the demands of caregiving, it should not surprise us that caregiving can lead to stress and burnout. “Caregiver burnout is a state of emotional, mental, and physical exhaustion caused by the prolonged and overwhelming stress of caregiving. While caring for a loved one can be very rewarding, it also involves many stressors.”[2] Caring for someone can be unpredictable as it is unclear how long someone will need care or how long it will take for a disease to progress. Caregiving can be physically demanding as these informal and unpaid caregivers are not trained on lifting, turning, or how to handle serious illnesses. Caregiving can be financially demanding as caregivers often use their own money for the needs of the person they are caring for. Caregiving can also lead to emotional fatigue and frustrations. Emotions associated with caregiver stress include[3]:

·        Denial about the disease and its effect on the person who has the illness. I know Mom will get better.

·        Anger at the person living with the disease or frustration that he or she can’t do things that once came naturally. He knows how to get dressed… he is just being stubborn.

·        Social withdrawal from friends or activities. I don’t have the energy to visit friends anymore.

·        Anxiety about the future. What happens when he needs more care than I can provide?

·        Depression that affects the caregiver’s ability to cope. I just don’t care anymore.

·        Exhaustion that interferes with daily tasks. I’m too tired to do my own cooking/cleaning.

·        Sleeplessness caused by worrying. What if she wanders out of the house?

·        Irritability that triggers negative responses. I’m fine, leave me alone.

·        Lack of concentration that disrupts familiar tasks. I was so busy I forgot about my meeting today.

·        Health problems that begin to take a mental and physical toll. I can’t remember the last time I felt good or went to my own medical appointment.

As you read this, I want you to think about where you are in relation to a caregiver. If you are a caregiver and are feeling some of the stress and burnout associated with caregiving please reach out to leaders at Peace UCC and ask for help; this faith community loves and supports you and is ready to help. If you know a caregiver, reach out and see how you can help. Maybe you could cook or drive for a caregiver. Maybe you could sit with someone so the caregiver could do a bit of self-care. Maybe you could simply listen to a caregiver’s stress and acknowledge that they have a lot on their plate. Finally, if you know of respite care services (adult day care/in home services) please share this with the church office so resources are available when needed.

 [1] Family Caregiver Alliance, National Center on Caregiving. https://www.caregiver.org/caregiver-statistics-demographics

[2] Caregiver Stress and Burnout: Tips for Regaining Your Energy, Optimism and Hope https://www.helpguide.org/articles/stress/caregiver-stress-and-burnout.htm

[3] 10 Common Signs of Caregiver Stress from Take Care of Yourself: How to Recognize and Manage Caregiver Stress;  https://www.alz.org/media/Documents/alzheimers-dementia-manage-caregiver-stress-b.pdf

Infertility and Miscarriages

 I’m not sure how many of you know that this topic is what I studied for my thesis for my divinity and public health degrees. For my thesis I interviewed 30 women from a variety of Christian denominations with the goal to learn how women use their personal faith, scripture and the church when struggling with infertility and pregnancy loss. When I think about this research, there are unique aspects of grief associated with infertility and pregnancy loss. This is not meant to be an exhaustive list of what these women and families are feeling but hopefully a few things for all of us to think about when we hear that someone has lost a baby or that a couple is having a hard time getting or staying pregnant.

 Be careful with assumptions. In my research almost all of the women wished people would be careful with their assumptions. Such as “You have been married five years now, don’t you want to have kids?” or asking a couple “Are you guys trying?” While our questions may be innocent and not intentionally trying to hurt a couple, in these comments we are making an assumption that they aren’t trying or that they are purposefully waiting to have kids. Maybe they are desperately praying and doing a myriad of medical interventions to try to have children.

 Each person’s faith journey is unique. Each woman and family that is experiencing infertility and miscarriages has a unique perspective of how God is working in and through this journey. Just like any other death or loss, we need to be respectful of how people make meaning of their situation. Remember the Not Top 10 and the Top 10 that we talked about months ago? We can use these for women/families experiencing infertility and pregnancy loss. Let them share how they find God in the midst of this, because they may find comfort from God but they may also be questioning God’s presence or be angry with God that making a baby has been so difficult and heart wrenching.

Silence surrounds infertility Did you know that 1 in 8 couples experience infertility and about one third of women over 35 will experience fertility problems? Tracking menstrual cycles, monitoring vaginal temperatures and researching methods for artificial insemination are frankly not things we talk about outside of a doctor’s office. But these are the very real topics that can take over a woman’s/couple’s life as they try to have a baby. “Most couples choose to be private about their struggle, but keeping their feelings to themselves increases the isolation, so that even friends who see them every day are shut off from the world in which the infertile couple lives.”[1]

 Grief is often silent too Because the struggle with infertility is often kept private, the grief associated with infertility and pregnancy loss is often silent too. For women and couples there is grief around the fact that they can’t do what is “natural or what every other couple is able to do.” There is grief around the mechanical nature of sex, as it becomes calculated and precise. There is grief when expensive, invasive and desperate attempts to have a child don’t work. When a baby is lost in the first trimester people outside of immediate family may not even know the woman was pregnant, perpetuating the silence that shrouds this journey. And when a family chooses to no longer pursue medical treatment there is grief in the finality and reality that biological children will never happen. In all of these aspects of infertility and miscarriage, women need to grieve the loss of the almost, the loss of what could have been and the loss of what may never be.

 For people of faith, the walk of women and couples experiencing infertility and miscarriage can be complex. We have the opportunity to listen with compassion and walk alongside them in loving support.

[1] Johnson, F.A. (1997) “Infertility” Journal of Family Ministry 11(1): 16-34.